I’d listened to a few of the interviews on Creative matters and liked how relaxed and personal the conversations sounded so when Mandy Jackish got in touch I wanted to say yes even though I was kind of terrified. What I like about these podcasts is how it feels like you’re listening in on a relaxed conversation between two people and they manage to go into all the details that I often want to know when I read the polished artist bios. I wonder- but HOW did you know to do that? But HOW did that happen? Mandy seems to ask guests the right questions and the stories get long- perfect for when I’m painting or driving on the motorway.

I’ve always avoided situations where I’ve had to talk in front of others but lately I’m trying to push myself to do things that feel out of my comfort zone. I was also hoping that if I try to tell some of my story I might learn something about myself as it’s not often you get the chance to just talk about yourself and your art journey.

Because I live in Auckland I was able to go to Mandy’s home to record the podcast face to face. She lives out at the wild beach community of Muriwai which I’ve always loved visiting .Mandy was so welcoming and has a lovely home with a stunning view looking down on the beach.

After we sat down at the table, set up very professionally with the microphones and computer we had a little practice- I realised it’s really hard for me to keep my head in the right position and each time I got carried away talking I moved away from the microphone so we had to stop and start a couple of times until I got used to it. Everyone dislikes the sound of their own voice don’t they.

We recorded the conversation and when it finished I felt like I was running on nerves, which makes me speak to quickly, not pausing to think so I didn’t want to listen to it. Driving home I got that feeling where I wished I could come across in a calm and considered way. A careful , thoughtful person who thinks before she speaks and chooses words carefully, unafraid of silences. I get this feeling after social situations where I’ve felt nervous and perhaps revealed too much. A friend called it a vulnerability hangover and I remember reading about that before- yep it was Brene Brown

Brené Brown describes vulnerability as "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure." It's that unstable feeling we get when we step out of our comfort zone or do something that forces us to loosen control.

Since reading that I find I get it when creating too- after making paintings that are so full of everything I like - all the colours, shapes , textures- I get a feeling it would be safer to be more retrained, choose a minimal palette and have a plan to execute rather than creating from my messy chaotic place.

Listen to podcast here

Or search where you listen to your podcasts