I'm feeling really pleased and excited about finishing this group of paintings.

Last year all  I knew  was that I wanted to work bigger.

I'd done bigger paintings before but I wanted to adapt the way I worked on a larger scale . I wanted there to be evidence of the movement of my arm as it moved across the larger canvas, I wanted there to be more gestural marks and movement.

So, I started like this, and worked fast laying down colour with a big brush. That initial layer I'd produced looked powerful and because of the scale of the brushstrokes and I kept them propped up against the wall in my studio for months because I liked having them there. They reminded me of Abstract expressionist artworks I'd seen in museums that I'd always found exciting. 

They sat there. After a while I realised they weren't enough. Deep down I  knew they weren't me. The work I want to make is more layered and complex and I don't want the making of it to be seen so clearly.

 I left them alone and worked on smaller paintings and then found myself going through  a low point with my painting. I know a lot of creatives go through this - I looked at the paintings I'd made in the past that were successful and thought - what if they were just a fluke? What if I don't know what I'm doing?

I felt stuck.

What helped me were  two changes in my approach.

Just before lockdown, in February I did an online art course with Nicholas Wilton and the part of the course that resonated with me was having more awareness of your own tastes, your own voice. This led me to delve into thinking about what I liked and kind of painting I really wanted to make.

I spent a lot of time reflecting on work I'd made in the past, looking at the parts that excited me. Sometimes I'll be painting quite intuitively and something good will happen and I'll get that buzz of excitement and surprise and I'd think - this is why I paint !
What I wanted to do was be more analytical and look at what made me feel that way and why. 
So I took notes about my own work as well as paintings of others that I liked and what my eye was drawn to. I also started looking more at the  visual world around me and noticing what interested me. 

Once I started paying attention it was like my creative spark came back- I was stopping to photograph the shadow of a street sign falling across the footpath on my walk to school pick up or cutting out colour combinations from magazines.  
I noticed i like 'cut out' motifs whenever I see them in things like graphic design or textiles and when I cut paper quickly  with scissors these hard edges have an appeal especially if next to something soft and muted. 
I looked at colour too and realised that I feel alive looking at certain colours together. I'm clear about what specific shades I like and don't like but it's the combination that i needed to become more aware of. I like a hot pink next to a cream or white because it lets it shine, but next to another saturated colour it doesn't work. 

I wrote in my studio journal " I want my painting to reflect the colours, shapes, lines, textures that excite me "

This sounds a bit analytical I know , as if I had a list to paint by...

- drippy paint- check
- swoopy curve- check

With this knowledge I still wanted to keep my intuitive approach to making art

The second thing that changed for me after doing the art course was I had the confidence to take more risks. In the past I'd often fall in love with an area in my painting that worked early on and that would stop me from making bold moves because I'd not want to mess up that area. 

During this series I've been braver than ever before and I think it shows - I've been more experimental with how I apply paint and let colours blend into each other and had areas where I have let go of so much control and let the paint do the work.
When a painting wasn't working  I asked myself questions like - " what does this painting need now? What would be unexpected?
I've used a huge line of paint over areas I'd carefully worked on or scratched into the surface, or thrown water at it. I'd lost my fear that I'd ruin it because I believe you need to go through a difficult stage to go forward. 
 
It was something external that got me moving when I  was stuck and doubting myself - doing a course.
But it was looking closer to home, looking inwards and changing my mindset that gave me the foundations to start the series and the determination to keep going. 

If you've read this far , thank you. I didn't expect to write all this

You can see this finished series here

Spring release